I might sound a bit too dramatic, for it is only my email account that has been hacked into. But it has been with me for a long time. A time long ago where I had friends and family that could relate to me, and I to them.

First of all, I'm sorry to the handful of people who actually read this blog. I know I have not posted for a long time, but after my last post, I didn't really want to post all the negative stuff that happened to me. I tried to keep it inside so people don't get worried for me. But I realised that without them, I didn't really have much to post about. I have not had a genuinely cheerful experience for the past few months.

Some of you may know, I've lost friends in the Japan tsunami. It was painful. It was the kind of stuff you thought would not happen to anyone close to you. It does sound selfish when I say it like that, like I hoped it happened to another person instead of my friends, but I did. I felt terrible for it, but I was wishing that somebody else could take their place.

In my last post I said that life was slowly moving forward again. I might have jinxed myself by saying that. My life feels like it is in shambles right now. I feel alone as people I have considered friends, almost sisters, have left to live their own lives in their own countries. I have been betrayed by people I once thought to have been friends, and I can no longer look them in the eye without feeling a profound sadness despite them not knowing that I overheard their criticisms, their scathing remarks. I go days without meaningful conversation with others, as now I have a deep rooted fear of what they would think of me.

I know I'm an insecure girl with a hedgehog's dilemma. I know that people will be hurt if they come close to me. It's not superstition. People said I was crazy, that it's not true, but anybody has gotten close with me has been dragged down as well. I'm such a jinx. Yet I still crave for a person to talk to. To share my feelings with. I'm such a wretched girl.

And all this that I have been hiding, has resurfaced due to my email having been hacked into. "Why?" you might ask. Because with my email gone, with it goes my memories. My saved mail over the years, the gems of history I longed to treasure and keep with me gone. My contacts over the years, whether close or far, even those who have passed and their contacts having become a memorial, gone. I feel like I have been wiped from the face of the Earth. I've never had a knack for talking in real life. I was also regarded as a soft spoken person that didn't speak her mind too often. But it was different online. Anything I typed to anyone else was displayed as clearly as they could read. My opinions were carefully constructed without any slip ups I tended to have in real life as I could think about them, and not mess up due to my stupid mouth. And so, all of these are gone as well. I am well and truly alone, cut off from my world.

I slowly fade out of existence. My hopes and dreams are but a distant dream. I question what I came here for. But even if I went home now, would it still be home? It might be as foreign as where I am now.

I am considering taking a hiatus from my job to find out what to do. I do have enough money to do it for a while, but it is a big decision. Sigh.

I do have a new email account now, but I have no idea how in the slightest to start getting people's contacts again. I'm not sure if posting it here is the right thing to do.